


the start of you

by asdf_writings



Series: there is something to be gained in loss [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Child Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mpreg, Self-Hatred, a bit of fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:09:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28694487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asdf_writings/pseuds/asdf_writings
Summary: He thought he’d be out of tears by now.But here he is, shedding some more over his cats’ empty bowls, hating himself and missing Kun immeasurably.~~~the aftermath of losing kun; the journey to gaining dejun
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun
Series: there is something to be gained in loss [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103327
Comments: 11
Kudos: 68





	the start of you

**Author's Note:**

> hi! pls be aware that this fic confronts death directly as well as grief and ppd
> 
> this is kind of a prequel to 'lucky' so you don't really need to read that, but this is about past kunten before ten meets johnny

Ten’s first kid before Dejun was Louis.

A cute cat, a stubborn cat, one that so many people had skipped over for one reason or another at the humane society. To be honest, Ten barely noticed him, and wouldn’t have either, if it weren’t for Kun.

_“Oh, look at you,”_ Kun was drawn to the scrawny pile of grey, eyes lighting up like he had found some precious treasure. And he, Louis, was their treasure for so long.

And truly, it was ironic that Kun was the one the essentially picked him out, seeing as Ten was his favorite.

_“Of course he favors you. I must have accidentally submitted to his dominance once he realized that I’m the one that cleans his poop.”_

“And I’m the one that feeds him! Fair trade, I think.” Ten replied, but his attention was fully on the kitty in question in his lap. Louis was spoiled too, and was on his way to being a royal pain had Leon not walked into their lives.

Literally, Leon was just a neighborhood stray they had been feeding for awhile until one day he snuck his way in through a gap in the door. Kun was bringing in groceries and forgot to fully close the door, opening the way for their Leon. He was their second kid, a lot more cuddly, and a lot more like a dog than anyone bargained for.

And Dejun was their third.

But Kun pretty much always called him, _little one_. He died before they had the chance to decide on a name.

Ten was in his third trimester when it happened. He had texted Kun while the older was on his lunch break, whining about the ice cream flavor he had been craving. Kun only replied with some rolling eye emojis before letting him know that he’d probably be late coming from work. Ten asked him why, only to blush when Kun texted back saying he’d pick some up on the way home.

The other car came out of nowhere. Kun was only a few miles out, ice cream barely melted in its plastic bag in the passenger seat. He had passed away in the ambulance, surrounded by unfamiliar sights and sounds and people and just wanting to get home to his love and his _little one_.

The news headlines called it a tragedy. Loving fiance killed in traffic accident on his way home to pregnant partner. Ten didn’t turn the TV on for weeks after. Ten didn’t do a lot of things after it all happened.

If it weren’t for Taeyong and Doyoung and the rest of their friends, he wouldn’t even have made it to the funeral. They were the ones making sure he ate, enough for him and the baby, that he was taken care of, that his plants were okay, that his _cats_ were still okay.

“I’m sorry, kids,” Ten had whispered, his voice hoarse and his fingers shaking, a few days after the funeral. He was trying to feed them, trying to scoop the food out of the tin cans and into their bowls, but even prying the lid off felt like a monumental task. “I’m sorry.”

He thought he’d be out of tears by now. But here he is, shedding some more over his cats’ empty bowls, hating himself and missing Kun immeasurably.

Ten wished for a lot of things. He wished that drunk people would never irresponsibly get behind the wheel at 5pm and drive into traffic. He wished that he had never sent that fucking text about stupid ice cream. He wished that he could be the respectful, proper mourner that everyone expected him to be. But most of all, he wished that this baby would just _get_ out of him.

He would have missed all of his prenatal appointments too, if Taeyong hadn’t been so strongwilled in getting him to make them all. Jaehyun and Taeil basically set up the kid’s nursery, and Sicheng had even gotten some storybooks and lullaby CDs in both Thai and Mandarin.

But for what? What was the point?

He could barely take care of himself or his two cats. How was he supposed to raise an actual human child? How was he meant to do that alone? Without him?

Kun was born to be a parent. The look he had when he first saw Louis paled in comparison to the way he looked when he figured out that Ten was pregnant. It was funny that way too; Kun knew he was pregnant before Ten did. And oh, how they celebrated. Ten’s entire pregnancy was dreamlike. He had all the glow and none of the bad side effects that most childbearers complain about. He nagged every now and then and gained some weight in his ankles, but none of that mattered because Kun always responded well and never hesitated to massage his aches away.

They were so excited for this kid. For this _little one_ that Kun would always talk to. Every single night, before closing his eyes. A caress to the bump, a kiss to Ten’s cheek. A sweet _“good night”_ in every possible language he knew how to say it in.

And when he finally gave birth, when the kid was finally laid upon his chest after being surgically removed from him, it was…hard.

Ten couldn’t look at him directly for the first few days. He breastfed him when directed by the nurses. He learned how to swaddle, looked at his hands and feet to ensure he had all twenty digits. And he named him. The first name on Kun’s list.

_Dejun_.

He didn’t _not_ love this kid, but he also couldn’t even look at him. Kun would’ve been so happy. Probably would’ve cried the second he heard his son’s first cry, witnessed his first breath of air. But Ten felt nothing. And he hated himself for it.

He did his best for the first two weeks. His mom had offered to fly to him to help, but he knew it was more of a formality than anything. He had a weird relationship with his family. He knew they cared about him, felt sorry when the love of his life died, and they had looked forward to the new addition to the family. But not enough to actually come see him. And Ten was fine with that.

What he wasn’t fine with was looking after a kid he wasn’t even sure he wanted.

And again. He hated himself for it.

And he told nobody. Because how could anybody else understand? He was constantly told how _lucky_ he was that he would have Dejun, as a piece of his late father, a piece of Kun that he could hold and love.

But after that two weeks, holding him at all felt impossible. Dejun then bounced around their friend group, staying with Taeyong and Taeil for a few weeks before being handed off to Doyoung and Jaehyun for another few weeks. Yuta and Sicheng had visited from Japan and even took him for a few days in their airbnb.

They would always text Ten updates about Dejun that he would never look at. If it were a call, that would mean it was important. At least that’s what he told himself.

And so when Taeyong called one day during Dejun’s third month of life, Ten answered almost immediately. And what he got was a full-on lecture.

No, more of a rant. Taeyong was angry. Angry that Ten was being selfish for not ever replying to them or their updates. Angry that they all had helped more with raising Dejun than Ten himself. Angry thatKun would’ve been disappointed.

Ten hung up after that point, tossed his phone into some unknown corner of the apartment, locked himself in the bathroom, and didn’t come out until nearly two days later when Taeyong and Jaehyun had all but broken the door down to get to him.

So yeah, Ten kind of still hated himself.

But after that, he knew his friends didn’t. Taeyong apologized profusely for the phone call, in his words and also through his actions. Taeil was so relieved when they finally convinced him to come to his and Taeyong’s place, it was palpable and visible in his eyes. Doyoung never went a day without reminding Ten how loved and cared for he was— which was the most affection from him that Ten had gotten since he met him. Jaehyun tailed him nearly everywhere he went, almost like a protective shadow, but more like a lost puppy.

Yuta and Sicheng almost moved back to Seoul to help, but Ten was able to talk them out of it. Their love and support from abroad was more than enough. He knew that nobody blamed him for postpartum depression, for the way his grief manifested, for the months he spent away from his last tie to Kun.

And for what it’s worth, when he finally reunited with his baby, it was like he had never left. Dejun recognized him right away. As soon as he landed in Ten’s arms again it was like he knew where he belonged.

Ten’s heart swelled and broke all at the same time. How could he leave this precious baby behind. Kun’s words _little one_ snuck to the forefront of his mind and he almost broke out into tears once more, but when he looked into the infant’s eyes, he laughed instead. So much happiness in those eyes. So much potential. Joy unparalleled.

“Hihi…my _Xiaojun_ ,” Ten whispered. It was met with a smile, and a flailing hand reaching out to touch his face in the clumsy way only babies can do. He lowered his face to nuzzle his baby the way he was used to with Louis and Leon, and Dejun had slapped his hand around Ten’s nose. It didn’t hurt at all— the kid was like barely four months old— but it did surprise him and leave him breathless laughing.

“Are you playing with me, kid?” Ten gently shifted his son so that he lay in just one arm as he used the other to tickle is tummy, sweep a finger over his cute cheeks, gently massage his chunky baby legs.

_“Oh, look at you…”_ Ten murmured. He knew he loved his son. That was never a question. But it was like he was seeing him for the first time again. The way he had thought it would be during the first few months of his pregnancy, in the time he spent daydreaming with Kun about what it would be like to actually hold their kid.

Ten sighed proudly when he realized he was no longer crying. He knew the tears didn’t just end here. He’d probably wake up tomorrow morning with tears already in his eyes, but at least he had Dejun now to grab his nose and make him laugh.

He brought Dejun home officially two weeks later. Ten had temporarily moved in with Tae and Tae to ease himself into parenting again. As much as it stank, he found diaper changing almost therapeutic. (Key word almost.)

By the time he came back home with a bundle of Dejun, Louis and Leon were elated. As much as cats could be, anyway. They snaked around his legs, pawed at the bags of baby stuff, sniffed at the new guy they barely recognized from his brief stay a few months ago. They lay in Ten’s bed, on his side, because they knew the other was off-limits by now.

And that side of the bed is where Ten had placed Dejun, on his back over a soft towel, to change his clothes. The changing table was set up and ready to go in the nursery, but Ten felt like he had to do this first.

When Dejun was finally in a sleeping onesie, he lifted him up gently and onto his shoulder. He gave him a tour of the bedroom, slowly picking up each framed photo on the shelves and dressers he had haphazardly placed face down the week of Kun’s funeral.

“This is your _baba_ , Xiaojun. He’s part of the start of you, he’s the reason you and I are alive.” Ten pressed a warm kiss to Dejun’s temple. He expected to see him asleep by now with how quiet he was, but his eyes were wide open, attentive.

“I love him, and miss him a lot. Look,” he pointed out in hushed awe. “this is a picture of us after my first appointment, when we knew you were on your way.” he bounced his son a little in his arms, reminiscing at the picture frame. Ten had kind of overdressed for the occasion and Kun was a bit tired from work, but they looked so, so happy. They were in the car, fresh out of the clinic, Ten’s hand on his belly and Kun’s arm around his shoulders. There was another picture taken that day, Ten remembered. It wasn’t ever printed or framed, but it was Ten’s lockscreen for months. Kun had quickly leaned over and kissed his cheek suddenly, Ten’s eyes were a bit wild in surprise and the edges of Kun’s body were blurry with motion, but it warmed Ten’s heart to look at it. It made him smile just thinking about it.

“He couldn’t wait to meet you. He picked this name out for you, planned out your bedroom, and looked after us very well. He loves you so incredibly much. He’s my hero, baby.”

Dejun eventually did fall asleep in Ten’s arms, and when he slipped him into his crib, he barely made a peep. He looked so cute, with his mouth open in a lowercase “o,” his fists curled up, his feet adorably tucked into the legs of a onesie that Yuta had sent over.

Ten took a quick picture and set that as his new lockscreen. His and Kun’s baby boy. He loved him so much he felt like he could burst and melt all at once. He whispered the words in every language he knew, in as many dialects as he could think of.

He stayed in the nursery long enough, part wallowing in regret and self-loathing and part adoring his cute ass son, that his other kids had made their way into the room.

He felt them at his feet again, and he smiled. Before there was Dejun, there was Leon, who came after Louis, who was currently rubbing his face against Ten’s sweatpants. He quickly shooed them out, leading the way to the kitchen to feed them. He managed to get the lid off the food this time and watched them eat, seated cross-legged on the floor nearby.

“I love you guys, too,” Ten said quietly. The cats’ ears perked up in acknowledgement but they kept eating.

He was still healing, parts of himself patching up together on their own and with some added help.

“I love you all.” Ten whispered into the abyss, to the universe. He hoped it reached the kitties, Dejun in the room down the hall, and Kun wherever he was watching.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
